One Life Lost, One Life Wounded
My 18th birthday was not what I thought it would be.
I received an unexpected gift that month — the gift of unlimited potential. The gift of unconditional love. Some would even say, the gift of immortality. I was pregnant.
And I threw it all away. I exorcised that “mass of cells” quicker than if it had been a malignant tumor, and I have spent the rest of my life trying to heal from the wounds I caused myself that day in November, 1988.
There were the physical wounds, like not being able to get pregnant again. Or of hurting myself through years of too much drinking and smoking and partying. Addictions that helped numb me to my pain and inner wounds.
There were psychological wounds that I wouldn’t even accept or recognize for many years to come, but they were there. Looking back, I know that my first marriage was verbally abusive. I couldn’t see it, because nothing that was said even compared to the hateful thoughts I had about myself. I also see that I pulled away from friendships — especially after they started having kids of their own. Can you imagine never holding a baby until you were almost 40 years old? I can. Baby showers, too, were pretty much the only party I would routinely miss. It was too confusing and painful for me.
Though I didn’t know it at the time, through all of this, God was with me. I wasn’t listening to him, but he was preparing me to have the strength to confront my actions and to accept His forgiveness.
Accepting My God, Accepting My Sin
Let’s fast forward to the summer of 2013 at Grays Lake
My life was so much different than before — I was now in a healthy, Godly marriage with my second husband, Tim. I had been going to church and had accepted Jesus Christ into my heart, and now I was getting baptized. That day was such an important awakening for me as a follower of Christ; I felt whole and at peace in a way that sent shivers up my spine. I found beauty in the little things — it’s as though God took me from a black and white world to one of technicolored extravaganza. God was there, and present, and in my soul.
Soon, though, I began to realize that I still had shadows of past sin lingering — things that I had not allowed myself to ask forgiveness for, repent, or heal from. Some of those were easy to identify, some were not, but none was as elusive to me as that fateful decision 25 years before.
I had real hurt and pain that I had never dealt with which was hobbling my walk with Christ.
God, again — as always — was there and through a series of random circumstances (which we all know to Him were anything but random) connected me with a ministry called Restored By Grace, led by Laura Limmex. Through that class, I was finally able to confront, combat, and conquer that sin while all the while becoming closer to God.
Our Great Redeemer, Jesus Christ
So here I am now. In front of you on a page. Which in itself is a miracle. To be sharing with you is evidence God’s work. For 25 years, the ‘A’ word was off limits, which may seem preferable to many of us. But folks, this isn’t simply an uncomfortable discussion about politics. This is a discussion that affects the souls of those around you. It should never be taboo, off limits, or whispered conversation.
Since going through the class, God has helped me to become more and more enraged — justifiably — with the lack of support for post abortive women and men. Ladies and gentlemen — there is healing out there. Please, if you or someone you know hasn’t done so yet, please seek out the healing needed, the healing DESERVED. I learned — the hard way — that I could not truly accept God until I had accepted my sins…all of them.
Psalm 139:16 states
Your eyes saw my unformed body; All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
It is only through God’s grace and love that He has given me back the gift I thought I had lost. I now know my son, his name is Ben, and I will see him again.